yeah, tefa's pathetic...

yes it is my second post of the day... and there will probably be another one tonight, knowing me. i guess since i'm on break and don't have a lot of stuff to do, i'm getting my thoughts all written out because i can.
i remembered a saying my daddy and i came up with a long time ago, when we used to make walking sticks. "walk with a purpose, hike with a mission, climb with a goal." it seems like an eternity since i last thought of it, and yet just yesterday that we came up with that phrase. more often than not, it seems, i am not walking, hiking, climbing, or living with any goal in mind. i am just living to get through the moment i'm in.
i have to wonder; where should i be in that mentality? on one hand, heaven and calling others to Christ should be my goal, and i am afraid that i am not always mindful of that. i often forget due to my selfish, fallable nature, to tend to others and to talk to Jesus. on the other hand, living here now, paying attention to what goes on around me and loving the people i come into contact with as i come into contact with them, without planning, just with love... is that not also important? as i type this, i realize it is possible to do both, and in fact i have done that on occasion. the issue, then, is doing this all the time.
in sitting here for 14 hours and having so much time to think, i realize that i have a goal. i have made my goal loving people. how well i do that is a question i face daily. do i show everyone i meet the love that God has shown me? do i give them the same grace and mercy i don't deserve but have received anyway? do i really have a solid grasp of what God's heart is for people?
i have realized that money doesn't matter a whole lot to me. yes, i need it to get through school and yes, i need it to get through life, but other than that, i don't need or want it. if i could give it all away to people that need it, i would in a heartbeat. it's not important to me. my stuff? i like it and all, but it's just stuff. now, yes, some of it has more intrinsic value than others, like a blanket my grandma made, or a pair of earrings from my mom; but it's still just stuff. as much as i love this computer, i realize that i more love what it does for me. if it didn't work, i wouldn't give a "hill of beans" as my grandma would say. i don't know. the one thing i really love is my Bible. opening it up and reading notes i've written in the margins; seeing tear stains in the Psalms. finding ribbons and bits of paper from years past tucked in the pages, reading the words that make my life worth living. even that, though, is just another material thing. as long as the words are in my heart, it's not going to be eternally devastating if i lose it or it gets destroyed somehow. it's funny how, when i sit down and actually think about it, there is so little that matters to me. and yet... and yet i have to ask: while i really haven't got much of an attachment to material things, have i got the love that i used to place on those things for heaven and God? am i headed in the right direction? am i guiding my heart in the paths it should go?
i am verbalizing these questions because if i don't, i'm afraid i'll forget. i don't want this to be a wisp of a memory; i want it to be something that i can look back on and say, "see how much i've grown? see what God has done?"
someday i will understand why i have had such a hard time trying to figure out my faith and where i am going with it.