4 am and thinking...

well, it has been another day.

i gave my "brother" permission to go home. the only reason he's stayed at his job in my hometown this long is because he wants to see me so badly at Christmas. i know he's already burned out on it; he burned out long ago. i want him to be happy, so i told him if he needed to, to go home. now he's going to reconsider his options and what he's going to do. as much as i want him to stay, i want his happiness more. i want him to stay healthy and happy, and to find a good church. i love him too much to let him suffer for my sake.

then i went and got my nails done. woo.

after that, i word vomited all over one of my close friends, on AIM of all things, and felt bad because it's so impersonal and he couldn't do anything.

then i was on facebook and saw pictures of some of my dearest friends, from a "mini-reunion" they'd had recently. and yes, i did cry. these people were some of the most dear catalysts to helping my relationship with Christ grow and flourish. they taught me so much, even without knowing it, and they opened my heart to trusting people and loving them unconditionally. they will never know how much they mean to me or how much i miss them. their love for God was so real, i haven't the words to describe it. i saw it not just in their words, but in their actions. and they caused me to fall in love with Jesus all over again. it is because of them that i am who i am, or at least a huge part of it. because of them, i am not as afraid to be myself, to share my story, to love others as much as i have a capacity for. and i am grateful from the core of my being.

i really shouldn't write this late (or early, i'm not sure which it is...); i get too emotional. of course, tonight would be the night i decide to drink a 44 ounce energy drink...