down came the rain...

guess what? ... stephanie's just gone nuts. i've got an enormous battle raging inside, and i don't know what to do about it. adding to the problem is a friend that cares so much they can't let go, and that makes it hurt even worse. i had to tell them they were hurting me, and now my heart is just shattered into a million pieces. even if they say they're fine, they didn't take it very well. i don't know what to do. i'm sick of all the drama, sick of all the pain, sick of all the ridiculous choices i make. i'm too "me-centered" and it's getting to be too much.
where is God? i thought i had a hold of Him, but it's looking like all i had a hold of were ideas and feelings about Him. it's frightening to think that all this time, i'm not where i thought i was and now i'm dead in the water. i would give anything to just be in His arms. this stagnation, this pain, this sense of being lost and alone is almost more than i can bear. and the saddest part is, i can't let anyone help me. i'm alone. and it sucks.
eventually one of two things will happen. either i will pull out of this like i usually do, and cry and know that Jesus loves me and He's going to help me; or i will give up, let go, and fall deeper into this miserable state i am in. if you read this, pray for me. pray that i would be strengthened by this rather than ruined. i am broken now, which is precarious. it is the easiest for God to work on me in this state, but it is also the easiest for me to turn away. please, please pray for me. i can't do this any more...