a song and a dance

when a dream is burned to ashes, the pure heart is found amidst the rubble.

that was what i wrote in my journal at 14.

looking back, i wonder how many dreams that i thought were important got burned up and all that was left was ashes. i think, too, of what things have grown and flourished since then. a lot of things have changed; my ideals, my goals, my way of thinking. some is good, and some bad. therein lies my contention. does singing and dancing for God equal devotion and love? not in my case.
i had always taken God for granted. i grew up with Him. He was, to me, the prayer before each meal and bedtime, the picture on the wall, the Book my mommy read to me. He was the songs my sister sang, and the stories my teachers and babysitters told. but He was not a person, nor was He a vital part of my life. in all of my immersion into this "Christian" lifestyle, it never occurred to me that He wasn't a magic genie or a fairy tale i could talk to. my primary thoughts were about me, myself, and i. even at such a young age as six, i can recall thinking about what i was going to do, what mom would do for me... it is only now as i look back that i see how selfish and self-centered i truly was.
God wasn't amazing to me. all the Bible stories were old hat. they never held much fascination for me. the New Testament was just some boring history and rules that i knew with my head but not my heart. even worse was the fact that i saw it not as a gift but as a right.
a lot of this led to apathy and i came dangerously close to becoming agnostic or atheistic. several times, my heart swayed on the line, debating which side i would fall on. up until the last two years i honestly couldn't call myself a Christ-follower, and even now i struggle with my sin nature in this area. am i following His will? am i truly doing what He has called me to do?
all of the stuff i have been through, all of the stuff i am going through, and all of the stuff i have yet to experience has one purpose: to mold me and guide me in the way i should go. whether i follow these signposts that God places for me is something i get up and pray for help with every day.
one thing i am having a hard time with is a friendship that has been skewed, stretched, and nearly ruined. i long to fix it, to change it. but i need time. time to heal, time to pray, time to soften my heart and my tongue, and time to work out some problems that are affecting it. it is really hard for me to stand back and refrain myself from trying to fix it all right now, but i know i will only make it worse if i do so. i am praying for the patience and the wisdom to make it through this week.
lassen Sie mich nicht es tun. helfen Sie mir zu bleiben, was ich sagte. vielleicht es ist zu spät nachts, früh am Morgen, aber helfen mir, auf eine Woche zu warten. ich bin von all dem so müde. ich will gerade es zu allen geht weg. Danke, um mein Held zu sein. ich liebe Sie.