ponderings

it's interesting how things work anymore.

i am slowly coming to terms with the realization that i don't have a clue about anything.

whether or not this is a good thing, i have yet to discover.

although i am finding myself caught in more and more arguments with friends. and it's not very fun. i wish i could just bellow like a buffalo in a hurricane and make it all better. sadly that's not the way it works.

i'll tell you flat out,
it hurts so much to think of this;
so from my thoughts i will exclude.
the very thing that
i hate more than everything is
the way that i'm powerless
to dictate my own moods.

i've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more,
and i just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored;
but that's not the way it works,
no, that's not the way it works.

when i go down,
i go down hard.
and i take everything i've learned
and teach myself some disregard.
when i go down,
it hurts to hit the bottom;
and of the things that got me there,
i think if only i had fought them.

if and when i can
clear myself of this clouded mind,
i'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that i'm so ready to be found.

i've thrown away
the hope i had in friendships;
i've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more;
i've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and i just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored;
but that's not the way it works,
no, that's not the way it works.

any control i thought i had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me,
reprimands me...
then and there,
i confess,
i'll blame this all on my selfishness.
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and i'll stand up again
and do so willingly.


~Relient K, Mmhmm, "When I Go Down"