solitude and agony

i've been pretty lonely ever since i moved. i love my sister and her family, they're wonderful, don't get me wrong... i'd rather live with them than anyone else besides my best friends Laura and Bre, but i really really am craving friends my own age. i haven't really had much chance yet... i'm hoping that once i find a home church and start classes, i'll make some.

it's good, but it's hard. i've always been a control freak, and i have such a hard time with trusting in things i can see, let alone what most would consider an intangible God. the worst part is, He's pretty much removed every option i have to go to besides Him. all of my best friends have boyfriends now; another dear friend i talk to about almost everything and i are taking a break from talking as we were distracting each other from God. all my other friends are busy with school and work. thus is my dependence on God fixated.

like anybody, i have good days, and decidedly bad days. since moving out of my parent's house, the bad days have been fewer, and the good days much better and more frequent. even so, i still fall into patterns of struggle and pain. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that until this point i never properly cultivated a relationship with God; i think i thought of Him as more of a get-out-of-hell-free card that i knew a lot about. i'm discovering that it's really dumb to try to put God in boxes like that.

right now, i'm just working on learning to praise God even when i'm having a really sucky day, to say all is well with my soul, to remember that this life is as a breath and that there are more important things to worry about than what people think of me.

if y'all are freaking out because Tefa's suddenly super-spiritual, i'm sorry you feel that way. it's just getting to the point where i have to talk about where i am or i feel like i'll burst... and i'm still not good at putting God into normal conversations. i've always been squeamish about that... and i'm not proud of it. i'm not a fanatic, a legalist, or a zealot. i'm simply falling in Love. i still squeak and do happy dances, and do crazy things, like get excited about 18th century bolt action rifles and 1930's 45 caliber colt pistols and 1940s era apothecary implements, and tell crazy jokes that make no sense, and tackle people. this is just the "God heart" side of me. i guess it's easier to put it on a webpage than talk about it to most people... i'm such a baby in some ways i think. however, God is good, you love Him, you love me... what else must needs be said?